I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
