when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
bring money and cleavage
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
