True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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