i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
