Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
