that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Mom said you looked used
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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