After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone