Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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