My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
