So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
