After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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