im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm passing your future prison.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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