Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
