Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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