so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
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Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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