Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm bleeding and have questions
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
