i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
