Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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