Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
