Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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