I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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