I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
