You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
