So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
