dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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