I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
