After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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