Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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