Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
