I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
