Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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