you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
