I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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