I wannas sexs uuuuu
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize