oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
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