we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
