Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
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I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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