went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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