best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
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We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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