I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.