People in love make me want to vomit
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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