She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
