you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You are the jesus of drinking
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
