apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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