perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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