Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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