I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
