I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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