Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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