community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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