i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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