I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
