dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
