it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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