if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
