Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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