Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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