Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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