i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
